Here we are

It is the time for a new chapter, right? Sorry, that my upload took a little bit longer than usual. I hope you will enjoy it. And thank you so, so much for reading and commenting. ♥

( The Mistress of the Shadowland, Second Book, The next Chapter )

Sunday.
Our smartphones woke us up at 7:30 a.m., so we all got up on time. I quickly jumped in the shower, and since I knew there was no seat or handle to hold on to, I just got under the water, washed myself quickly, and was done in no time. The whole shower only took two minutes, but by then I was already at the end of my tether.
I had decided to wear my medieval dress and, unsurprisingly, the zipper broke when my mother tried to close it.
Somehow, I had the feeling that fate just didn't want this trip to go well or work out. Everything that could possibly go wrong did. We all got ready and ordered a taxi for 8:30 a.m., as we had an early access ticket that allowed us to enter the convention hall at 9 a.m.
The taxi driver was nice, but he had one problem. He didn't know where to drop us off.
Jaarbeus is a huge complex with numerous hotels, theaters, museums, and restaurants, and to be honest, you don't know where to go. O.O
It's probably easy for people who live in Utrecht, but not for someone who was there for the first time.
The taxi driver was so kind that he only charged us 13 euros and didn't charge us for the time he spent looking for a place to drop us off.
At some point, we all thought we were halfway there when we saw a lot of people walking past us. Always follow the crowd, right?

We paid the taxi driver, got out of the car, and were shocked by the freezing cold wind blowing.
I wished the entrance had been a little closer, as I have trouble walking, but there was nothing I could do about it. So we just followed the crowd until we reached the entrance.
I was filled with nervousness, fear, and such stress that, after the chaos with the hotel and our car breaking down, it just felt unbearable. We then joined the queue for the early access entrance. I was surprised that the hall was already open, as it wasn't even 9 a.m. yet. There were a few people ahead of us, but everything went quite quickly and without any further problems.

The nice thing was that right behind the entrance, you entered the main hall where the main stage, the photo booths, and the signing tables were located. We all walked back and forth, looked at everything, and then asked at the photo booth how the whole procedure worked. I was so incredibly nervous that I wanted to know everything, step by step, because if I know something like that, I can “work” with it and give myself the confidence/security I need.
I have to admit that I was already at the end of my tether, as I can't really walk “that much”. For everyone else, this isn't a problem or a real issue, but for me, unfortunately, it's not that easy. My mother and I sat down at a table, talked a little and watched the people, while Sarah walked around the hall a bit and looked around.
I sat there the whole time watching the photo booth to see how many people would line up. On the one hand, I didn't want to be the first one there, but at the same time I was afraid that something would happen again and I wouldn't be able to take the photo with Neil.

I was just so incredibly nervous and anxious after everything that hadn't gone so well.
It was just before 10 a.m. and Neil was scheduled to arrive at 10:15 a.m. Since there were already a few people in line, Sarah suggested that we join the queue. And at that moment, it was over for me. I was filled with fear, felt sick, and had unbearable stomach pains. But everyone around me was super nice and took care of me. My mother kept stroking my back, Sarah held my hand, and the young women from the convention asked me a few questions to see if I was okay and if I needed anything. To our right was the line for people who didn't have early access, and a young woman said to me and my mom that we looked great. Aaawww! :3

It was soon 10:15 a.m., but Neil took his time arriving. It was 10:35 when my mother and Sarah said at the same time, “Oh, Neil's here, we just saw him.”
Did I see him? Of course not, lol. XD
I thought it was pretty cool that suddenly music started playing, which was probably his idea.
And then the line started to move... O_O
And with every step, I felt more and more nauseous and the fear was just so intense. They asked me if I wanted to include the walker in the picture (no!) and then allowed my mother to come with me —also for emotional support— and take care of the walker while we took the picture.

The closer I got, the more anxious I became. The only thought I had was: Please, Anke, don't throw up on his shoes. Please.
Then I stepped around the corner and there he was. I kind of assumed he would be there because I had seen the photographer and the other fans, and everything happened so fast. It was as if I didn't dare to look at him. And suddenly he was standing in front of me and looking at me with this really sweet smile. I don't think I've ever felt as comfortable and welcome as I did in that moment. It was as if there was only me, as if this was a bubble in which I was safe, secure, and accepted. I then approached him very slowly and shyly with my walker and put it to one side.
He then said with that warm smile, “Hi, I'm Neil. What's your name?”
And he held out his hand to greet me, which I then took and shook.
I was still so anxious and uncertain that I almost whispered, “Hi. I'm Anke.”

At that moment, my mother came up behind us, took the walker and tried to walk past, but Neil quickly realized what was happening and took a step forward. He then leaned forward and greeted her with a “Hi.” I told him that she was my mom, and he replied, “I thought so.”
Neil then turned to my mom and asked her her name. I thought it was sweet to see her pause for a moment, as she wanted to answer him in perfect English.G
“My name is Christine and... I... I like you.”
I saw him smiling when he said, “Awww, thank you, Mami! (He called my mum Mami, squeee!!). Nice to meet you!"
Then he turned back to me and looked at me as if he wanted to ask me what my idea for the photo was.

I thought long and hard about what that would be, as I don't really feel comfortable in front of the camera. Yes, I sometimes take selfies, but they are always taken from a special angle so that I find myself halfway tolerable. I avoid looking directly into the camera and, above all, showing my entire body. I'm happy for anyone who can do that, but I have such problems showing myself. So I thought about it long time until I had an idea. So maybe we could just look at each other? And I wanted to ask him if that was okay with him, because... maybe it would be too personal or uncomfortable for him and I didn't want to upset him.

So he stood in front of me, looked at me questioningly, and I wanted to explain my idea to him. My words were: “Actually, I'm afraid to look into the camera...”
And at that moment, he took my hands in his and said, “Look at me.”
And I did. He was so smart, he reacted so quickly to my words, and that was exactly what I was looking for. I don't feel comfortable with staged photos, I don't have the confidence to show myself, I just wanted a picture that captured this moment.
The moment I had been waiting for so long.
And it seemed as if he understood immediately. The touch of his hands was so soft and the smile he gave me was so honest and warm. And then I thanked him several times and said goodbye again and again.

When the photo was printed, I heard young women saying over and over how cute it was and how good we both looked. :3
And then suddenly Sarah was standing next to me, who also had her photo with Neil. Since the next event was the panel with the Baldur's Gate 3 team and the people from Claire Obscure 33, we went straight to the main stage and found a place to sit. :3

( The Picture )

Saturday.
I woke up at 6:30am and decided to feed the little cat right away and then lie down again, as I was really tired. I had gone to bed shortly after midnight, but I was so nervous that I couldn't fall asleep until around 2am. And despite my nervousness, I managed to fall asleep again until 8:30am.
I then got up, enjoyed a nice, warm shower, got ready, and spent the time on the sofa, as we didn't want to leave until around 10am.
Shortly before it was time to go, I put Ivi in my room for five minutes and closed the door behind me so that she wouldn't suddenly dash out while we opened the door to the apartment to carry all the luggage to the car. When we were done, we went back upstairs, took her out of the room, of course, and gave her a long hug goodbye.
I must admit that I was a little tired, but the prospect of arriving in Utrecht around 2:30/3:00pm and then being able to spend the whole day in my hotel room gave me the strength to push through.

I wasn't nervous or anxious at all; I just felt that the possibility of meeting Neil wasn't real.
I was in complete denial, possibly to protect myself or to keep my fears and insecurities under control.
There wasn't much traffic on the highway, and we had been driving for about half an hour when suddenly, out of nowhere, our car started to “stutter” and steadily lost speed. On the highway... with numerous cars traveling at a minimum speed of 120 km/h.
120, 110, 100, 90, 80, 60, 40, 20... and with the last stutter, we were just able to pull into a parking bay on the side of the highway, with an emergency phone just a few steps away.

I will always remember my mother's words... Our car is broken.
I can't even describe how I felt. Numb, hopeless, sad. We looked at each other, and the next thing we did was reach for our handbags and wallets to get out our ADAC customer cards ( The ADAC, officially the Allgemeiner Deutscher Automobil-Club (lit. ‘General German Automobile Club’), is Europe's largest automobile association. The ADAC is the largest Verein (club) in Germany, with around 21 million members. Its headquarters are located in Munich. Its original and most well-known service is roadside assistance.)
I hate talking on the phone, I really panic about it, but I know that my mom has poor hearing and that it was simply not possible for her to make a phone call in that situation. You have no idea how incredibly loud a highway is when you're not driving on it.
So I called the ADAC hotline and had to wait about two minutes until I got a man on the other end of the line, to whom I then explained everything, i.e., what had happened, whether the car was still running (surprisingly, it still started, so apparently there was no engine damage), when it happened, and where exactly we were.

I do have a smart phone, but I'm not particularly interested in it. I use it to take photos or listen to podcasts. So it was really stressful for me to explain to the man exactly where we had ended up. I then realized that we had only managed to travel 40 km. :/
When I told the guy that we were right next to the highway (or actually right on it), he said that we had priority over other broken-down cars that, for example, wouldn't start in a town or were stuck somewhere on a country road. I cautiously asked how long we could expect to wait, and they said between 20 and 30 minutes. If the ADAC was nearby, they would call us back on our cell phone and let us know.
Okay.
The next step was to get out of the car and seek shelter behind the guardrail, wearing our safety vests, of course. And then we waited.

So we stood behind the guardrail at -6 degrees Celsius, and since I'm apparently not the smartest person, I had imagined that I would just get in the car at home and drive straight to Utrecht, and that it would be enough to wear a thin wool jacket over a thin sweater....
It was cold. Freezing cold. And we stood on the side of the highway for 1 ½ hours waiting until a man called to tell us that the ADAC tow truck was on its way. Then we had to wait another half hour.
I was frozen to the bone. At least my mother was smart enough to bring a blanket in the car that I could wrap myself in.

While we were waiting, we talked about what we should do.
If the car starts, then we can continue our journey, right, Anke?
My answer was that we should drive back. My mother was upset because she knew how much the trip meant to me and that I wouldn't get back a large part of the money I had spent.
But I was far too afraid to continue. What would happen if it happened again? What if there was no parking lot nearby? What if the car broke down in Holland? How would we get back? How much would it cost?

The young mechanic took a look at everything, even kneeling down several times to look under the car. I sat next to him while he started and stopped the car and drove it forward and backward. He couldn't find any problems. He speculated that it was either the engine or something else (unfortunately, I can't remember what) that works with the engine and that something was broken.
He then asked us what we wanted to do. Continue driving? Or should he take us back, in which case he would have to call his boss first to clarify the situation.

We are very grateful that the ADAC gave us the go-ahead to take us home, because we only have basic coverage, which would have taken us to the nearest repair shop. But since it was Saturday, they were already closed, so we were taken home. I sat in the back of the tow truck and texted Sarah on my cell phone to tell her what had happened and that I couldn't come. Without hesitation, her response was: I'll pick you up....
O_O
I hadn't expected that at all, and I didn't really know if I could accept it. She told me over and over again that it wasn't a problem, that we would find a way to get to Utrecht and have a great weekend.
I remind you that Sarah was at work. We texted back and forth, re-planned everything, and then agreed that she would go home after work, take a shower, eat something, and then drive to meet me.

The trip would take between two and three hours, and we would probably set off for Utrecht around midnight. We got home at around 3pm, which was when we should have arrived in Utrecht. I lay down to get some sleep, but I couldn't manage more than two hours.
I had also informed Jutta that she shouldn't be alarmed when she arrived at our place in the evening, as we would most likely be sitting on the couch waiting. When she arrived at around 6:30pm, we just talked, and despite all the stress, it was really nice to see my best friend again and give her a hug.
From 11pm onwards, I became quite nervous because I was afraid that something had happened to Sarah. A generalized anxiety disorder often leads to imagining absolutely EVERYTHING in an absolute horror scenario. But 20 minutes later, the doorbell rang and Sarah picked us up. So we went down to the car, stowed the luggage and the walker, and then drove off.
And before we set off, I had checked in at the hotel at noon and written to them that my arrival would be delayed. I also booked a room for Sarah at my expense, because that was the least I could do for her after she had decided to pick us up. And there was no question of her spending the night in the car. No way!

The highway was pretty empty and the weather was good - no snow, no fog, no rain. So we left shortly before midnight and arrived in Utrecht at 4:30 in the morning, where we were greeted by a lot of snow. Despite the long journey, the trip was pleasant because Sarah and I talked constantly, moving from one topic to another. We didn't really have a moment of silence because we got along so well. The last 30-40 minutes of the trip were through Holland, and the closer we got to the Dutch border, the quieter I became.
And then, suddenly, I had a panic attack.
I noticed how I was becoming quieter, how breathing was becoming more and more difficult, how my thoughts were really stumbling and I couldn't form a clear sentence anymore.

Sarah quickly realized how I was feeling and helped me through the panic attack with lots of kind words and breathing exercises. (Did I mention that this young woman is an absolute angel?)
So we arrived at the hotel at 4:30am, parked in the last available parking space, and I checked in.
I asked the young man if Sarah could come to our room with us, as I needed help, and his answer was: “Under the circumstances, that's fine with me.” Then he and security carried our luggage and our walker up the stairs.
We went into the room, put our things down, and decided to skip breakfast and lie down until 8:30am so we could get at least a little sleep. And since we had a large king-size bed, we all fit in it and were able to recharge our batteries a bit before leaving the hotel at 8:30am on our way to the comic convention. :3