Sep. 17th, 2012 08:02 pm
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A quick recap:

Too many screaming children. Campsites are awesome because they have showers and toilets, but actually wild camping is better in terms of peace and quiet.

A really long circular walk that was notable because a: it was ten miles and b: I didn’t get lost despite following some poorly marked by-ways and footpaths across farmers fields etc.

A laughably terrible pub lunch in which it took an hour for them to give me a menu after I sat down. Luckily I had nowhere to be.

Getting a lift up to the campsite with some random guy I met in the pub. His dog had muscular dystrophy. It was sad.

Walking the footpath from the campsite to the town each day, and each day a herd of ‘ornery looking horned cows getting closer and closer and staring at me in that intent, contemplating-your-impending-death way that cows have. Said journeys finally culminated in me having to walk right through the middle of said herd with one of the baby cows doing its level best to chase me off.

Seeing some of the most expensive fuck-off houses I’ve ever seen. Move over florida mansions. The people of the cotswolds have serious money.

Getting to see the Charlbury streetfair. Also: the Charlbury museum and the Charlbury Art Exhibition.

Not having to worry about anyone else. Getting up when I liked, eating what I liked, doing what I liked. This is what retirement must feel like. I cannot wait.
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There is a tuneless buzzing in my head.

It is the sound of sunlight on water, fractured fire-red and white. A shattered mirror that shows the world burning and the peace that settles me when I see it. Listen to the hollow space in your soul, because this is where language empties out and all the meaning is strung like glass beads.

Ready to spill.

But when they spill, across the page, through the air, flying like bullets, like kisses, like black feathers, curling ink, milk in coffee. When they spill, somehow they smash, dull, crease, flatten out. Meaning shimmers away and you are left with a mess, a blood-stained, mascara-smeared, mundane little tragedy. 

And I bounce back to the mirror, back to the tuneless buzzing and slash my hands through the waves. Words flash, silver fish, darting in beauty but the shape is smeared by the water. And I look, and I look, and I look while my hands paw uselessly. They dart up to the sun and the bodies blacken and burn.

Meaning is but a moment, a slash, a flash, a seeping. Happy tears, the cool, clear, frozen grief that smears and fractures the world until for a moment, a moment, you see it as it truly is.

And I want, I want, I want to share this second, this moment, this endless timeless flash of a second, so you feel my heart and share my soul and for a moment we are the world and the world is us and all things are as they should be. 

But as I reach out, as I open my mouth, as the words dart into song, into light, into ink, into a fixed lasso with nothing more than a definition, a history, a culture, a context, a rhythm, a cadence, an accent. These words dart towards you and I watch them change, mid-flight, colours glow, fade, edges stream away, I see your history, your culture, your context, your voice, your ear catch them and they hold nothing but a faint memory.

I repeat and repeat and I list and I list in a bid to catch the meaning, the moment, the clear cool fractured mirror of my fire-soul. But here I am I am and meaning collapses down and instead I must find the simplest way, the clearest way, the single word that sums it up that carries it all, the hydra-headed word, the songword, the word of truth, of light, of God. But it is done and done and all the dictionaries in the world cannot give us our shared language, our shared soul.


Jan. 8th, 2012 09:05 pm
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Self-Loathing )
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I make these every year, but this year I'm feeling pretty positive aboutt them :) I am getting better each year at keeping them too. I managed the 'get up at 6am' one for over six months, and the 'workout every day' one I blew out of the water.


Priorities for this year are HEALTH and MONEY


1. Workout every day, and focus on results.

Karate twice a week.
Weight-training/body-weight workouts

2. Eat a healthy diet

Take vitamin supplements
Eat 7 portions of fruit and veg a day
Cut down on sugar; do not eat it day to day, only when friends are visiting or I am socialising.

3. Get more quality sleep

Get in bed at 9pm every night and read until I fall asleep.
Wake up at 5.30am every day and do a 30 minute stretch workout
Get a sunrise alarm clock
Switch off all electronics at 9pm every night.
Do not drink caffeine after 4pm.

MONEY (goals in order)

1. Pay off all non-student loan debt
2. Save up a £1000 emergency fund
3. Start saving for retirement and a house deposit


Jun. 20th, 2009 11:26 pm
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This is a new dreamwidth journal. It's supposed to x-post to lj, so I'm testing it out.

Cheers to Jake!


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